Mayor Eric Adams and Department of Transportation Commissioner Ydanis Rodriguez today announced a bold new measure to reduce traffic crashes: blocking the sun during sunrise and sunset.
The technology, inspired by an episode of The Simpsons animated TV show, allows NYCDOT interns to press a button to activate a system to plunge the city into darkness until the sun is no longer at an angle that endangers cyclists that decide to blow through intersections.
Ben Furnas, Executive Director of Transportation Alternatives, applauded the effort. “We see crashes increase during the sunlight and sunset hours when the light is directly in drivers’ eyes. This causes them to not see cyclists, especially those who decide not to observe traffic regulations,” Furnas explained. “I guess it also protects pedestrians.”
StreetsPAC Executive Director Eric McClure pooh-poohed criticism by environmentalists. “We’re hearing this will be disruptive to nature and the growing cycle, especially at parks. Well, I’m here to assure you that even if all the trees die, it doesn’t matter, because we can just reimagine the parks as Open Streets.”
Mayor Adams said, “When I saw Mr. Burns press that button on the Simpsons, I said, yeah boi! I just knew we needed that technology in NYC.” A Turkish company was tapped to build the multi-billion-dollar apparatus.
Ydanis Rodriguez stated, “Sounds good, I just do what TA tells me to do.”
The Common Sense Caucus of the NYC Council issued a statement in opposition to the plan. “Sunlight is the best disinfectant, so it’s obvious why the mayor and his favored lobbyists have embraced this dangerous and unnecessary technology.”
The League of Conservation Voters plan to host a party the first time the shield is deployed. DSA activists best known for hugging defunct train line stanchions will celebrate by riding CitiBikes through red traffic signals while calling for taxpayer funded corporate welfare to boost the service to entice more gentrifier membership.
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