As an openly virtuous cyclinista in the war against automobiles, who fights for safe streets and clean air every day, I have often wondered why some New Yorkers insist on driving cars and trucks despite my articles plainly explaining the moral imperative to only ride bicycles.
In a selfless attempt to understand the madness that overpowers car nuts, I decided to make a great sacrifice for my Streetsblob readers and test drive one. I selected a model popular with the wealthy elite who put their selfish needs above the climate crisis and the rights of cyclists to control the entire city: the Toyota Corolla.
Just holding the cold, heavy key fob of this 2022 Toyota Corolla LE CVT in my hand sent shivers down my spine. It was adorned with a silver “T” symbol. I assume the T stands for testosterone, a marketing play for the kind of carnivorous alpha male consumer who still insists on buying bicycle-devouring world-killers like this Corolla.
It has four wheels, twice the number that any enlightened global citizen needs. And despite this 3,000-pound behemoth’s forward-collision warning, automated emergency braking, lane-departure warning and lane-keeping assist, it was plain to see it was designed primarily with killing cyclists in mind.
I took a deep breath and climbed into the cockpit. A series of gauges and screens suggested a military design, efficiently monitoring its murderous capabilities. Headroom in the driving position was limited, with the top of my bicycle helmet scraping the interior ceiling.
When I realized there was virtually no chance of tipping over and smashing my head or scraping my limbs on the road, I felt unnerved.
I slowly penetrated the ignition with the key, closed my eyes and turned it in place. There was a deafening roar as I heard and felt this beast’s 1.8 liter four cylinder nightmare machine roar to life with its ludicrous 139 horsepower. I could not even bring myself to think of the torque, for fear of fainting.
I slid the phallic gear selector knob to “D,” which I assume means “death” mode. I dug my fingers into the steering wheel and released the brake with a lump in my throat. Within a few seconds, I was hurtled to a breathtaking 28 mph. My heart was pounding. I experienced tunnel vision, a cold sweat and a crushing combination of fear and guilt.
I felt the power of death over life at my right foot. I suddenly understood this to be the drug to which so many weak-willed Americans are addicted.
The vehicle’s automatic climate control blasted cool, dry air toward me, making me uncomfortable from the lack of sweat and natural odor to which I am accustomed, my scrotum arid and loose against my nylon bike shorts on the vehicle’s decadent cloth seats. I no longer felt human.
I arrived at an intersection with a green light and came to a full stop to allow cyclists and scooters to ride through the red light on their end, as is their right and custom. The traffic light facing me turned red and so I proceeded through the intersection. The operators of other hulking death machines furiously blew their horns at me for going through the red light, as if they owned the entire city. Their self-entitled rage was horrifying.
Knowing that this experience would permanently change me, I dared not prolong it. I found a Citi Bike station and parked the heaving, growling machine in front of the nearest fire hydrant, lest its blood lust be satisfied with me at the wheel. I rode the Citi Bike through a stop sign and nearly collided with a parent pushing a stroller and felt my pulse slow as I regained my usual feelings of peace, superiority and entitlement.
As I rode the equity-exuding Citi Bike up on the sidewalk to get a fair-trade kale-lemon-basil espresso tonic, I reflected on how much good I had done the city on this day. But knew I would never be the same.
I'm very glad you chose the Corolla to convey the upper class privilege that's flaunted by the four wheel ruthless killers on our streets and their wanton bloodlust for all our precious public spaces for people not cars. Good job Kunt!
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